Getting anxious ...

I have begun surfing the web and catching up on other PAO blogs. I'm nearly 2 weeks away from seeing Dr. Kregor again for my 8+ week checkup, so I'm getting anxious and I have a million things running through my head right now. Will he allow at least partial weight bearing? Will he allow me to drive (at least a LITTLE bit)? Will he be pleased with my physical therapy progress? Or, will he say my hip flexor muscles just aren't strong enough, stay as you are for another month??? I have no way of knowing what this appointment will have in store for me.

Just as a recap, here's where I am (and will continue to be for another 2 weeks):

• I still use a wheelchair at home and when I go to church
  
• I use crutches to get into the bathroom (I hope this won't cause controversy. Dr. Kregor never said I could use them, but honestly ... how am I supposed to get down the stairs in the garage in order to get to the car for PT and church??)
  
• I use the walker in the bathroom when I'm bathing/getting ready (it's more stable, if I loose my balance ... and it helps provide me with stability getting in and out of the tub)
  
• I use a shower bench in the tub with a wand to bathe
• Primarily sleep on the hospital bed downstairs (because it's closer to the bathroom, it's easier to get in and out of ... meaning closer to the ground, I can adjust the feet/head to help make me more comfortable, and it doesn't require me to crutch upstairs)
• Still taking Lortab every 4 hours, and HAVE to stay on a 4 hour schedule or I feel the pain setting in (I think the pain is more my hip flexors screaming at me, versus actual hip "joint" pain).
• Have to set the alarm on my iPhone to wake up every 4 hours during the night to take the Lortab. I have been slacking on this lately. I find it pointless to keep myself awake to take 2 huge horse pills only to go back to sleep. Well, if I don't ... I will wake up at 2:30am in writhing pain and won't be able to move to even get to the bathroom. So, I need to get better at this.
• I'm working via laptop (and on the couch) up to 5 hours per day (sometimes less, sometimes more). Good for the brain - I'm so glad I have an IT job and have a great team (and boss) to allow this flexibility.
• Physical Therapy: Still going 2x a week. I'm starting to question my decision to do 2x week versus 3x. Yesterday I started off my therapy on a stationary bike!! No resistance of course. I was able to do an easy 5 minutes of rotation without issue! The bottom line is, I'm still weak. While I'm making progress each time, my hip flexors are still weak and I'm worried sick that this will keep me confined. I should have told them 3x week. Inside I think I was trying to not burden my husband by taking me 3x week, since he has to take both kids to their separate schools, then pick me up, then take me to therapy, then back home, then have him head to work. I'm trying to not burden him more than I already am. I just hope I haven't shot myself in the foot (no pun intended) and delayed my recovery by not pushing my therapy sessions. This means I need to buckle down HARD at home and really stay on top of my exercises to make up for it.
• Incision has healed nicely, though it's big and ugly. I still have swelling in my right foot, ankle, and leg ... but I think it's a little better from where it was a month ago. I think I still have some swelling in my right hip, based on how a pair of jeans felt Wednesday when I went to church for children's choir!
  
• My foot still turns red when I'm standing. I guess this is still normal as everything heals, and the bloodflow returns to normal circulation.

I'm wondering if other PAO women have had the same strange dreams that I have. I've had dreams where I've tried to walk and couldn't. I had another dream that I was out somewhere and someone stole the crutches (that I'm not supposed to have), and I couldn't get home or walk! Then recently I had a dream that I got fed up and got in my car and drove off. Then, down the road, realized I didn't have the leg strength to use the brake pedal! I'm sure I will laugh at this in a year or so ...

My 5 and a half year old son has asked me several times lately when I'll be better again so I can go to the pool with him. I guess it's a good thing that our pool closes after this weekend. My 3 year old daughter also asks when I'm going to be better and walking, though she isn't old enough to articulate why. I get the impression she just doesn't like to see me like this, and doesn't like to see me cry. There were quite a few times over the past 2 weeks where I would break down and cry out of frustration because of the things I can't do, can't reach, or when I've forgotten to do things. One such event I had forgotten about was a banquet at church for those who were leaders in our choirs at church. It totally slipped my mind and when I realized it, John was at my son's school for a parent/teacher thing and even if I could have gotten ready in time, had no way to get downtown to church. I bursted out into tears when someone from church called me asking if I was coming - and I said I forgot - and had NO way of getting there. The kids were very concerned, and I honestly try NEVER to cry in front of them. My son said "will they have a banquet next year?". I said yes, but that this was my first invitation to this banquet since I just started as a leader for our 1st grade choir, and he said "well, then next year will be your 1st year to go then!". I told him that this was my fault and that I was just upset that I had let this slip my mind, and he so sweetly said "but mommy it's nobody's fault". I couldn't believe how sweet he was being and how he was trying to rationalize the situation. I love these kids ...

For anyone reading this, sorry for the long post. Hopefully you're still awake! :-) I'm going to look online for other PAO blogs and see if I can make some contacts with people. I'd love to understand the various ways people are being instructed in their recovery. The one thing I hope Dr. Kregor DOESN'T say in 2 weeks is that I'm clear to use crutches and come back in a month. I will have to politely spill the beans that I HAVE been using crutches a little, and to throw me a bone!!! I'd love NOTHING more than to at least do a little driving ... but I have to watch myself and not get my hopes up.

I just wish I knew what was going to happen ... what he is going to say ... what the rest of this recovery is going to look like ... I guess I can try to be thankful that my left hip is doing great and probably will never need a PAO. I doubt I could go through this again.